


You remember?

by mikhailosbitch



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Ian, Hurt Mickey Milkovich, Love, M/M, Past Torture, post season 5x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-08-18 14:06:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8164565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikhailosbitch/pseuds/mikhailosbitch
Summary: When he was done putting everything on the table he went to the living room that was completely stuffed with people. Lip was sitting on the couch little Gemma in his arms who was sleeping. Next to him sat Kev holding the other twin and leaning against him there was V almost asleep. On the other side of her, right on the edge of the couch Svetlana laid, her head in V’s lap. Carl got the armchair all for himself so Debbie and Liam were sitting on the floor all wrapped up in blankets to keep warm. Only shitty daddy Frank was missing which Ian and of course everybody else as well was glad about. Only Frank? No, something else was missing. Someone else. Ian shook his head trying not to think about that person. Instead he slumped down next to Liam and looked at the TV. “Aye, shithead!” Lip said. “Fuck off” Ian spat and he knew Lip smirked. Now everyone else had to say how great it was to see him but finally he could focus on the movie they were watching. Inglorious  basterds. He had watched it like three times already so he covered Liam’s eyes every time it would get to bloody and tried not to think of the first time he had watched the movie. Or better: with whom.





	1. Home?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, that's my first fic so I hope it's not too shitty. Also, english isn't my first language so sorry for the mistakes.

It was already dark outside when he came home. Winter was just around the corner so every day the sun disappeared a little earlier, leaving cold and darkness. Ian was glad that he finally got into the warm house full of life after he walked almost half an hour, freezing his ass off just because the fucking L didn’t work again.  
“Hey!” Fiona said. She was in the kitchen preparing dinner and looking pretty happy. Ian figured it was because for the first time in ages everybody of the Gallagher family including Kev and V plus their twins was home to have dinner together. He knew that his big sister had been having a hard time getting used to the fact that Ian and his older brother Lip nearly moved out and his younger one Carl spent more time in juvie than at home. But because there were so many Gallagher siblings she had at least Debbie, her daughter and little Liam hanging around. Still she was clearly thrilled that they would spend time all together like in old times.  
Apparently Ian was not in the mood. Not in the mood for this oh-everything-is-so-great shit because it fucking wasn’t. So he just mumbled “hey”, nodded towards Fiona but completely ignored his other siblings and his favorite neighbors as he went upstairs, knowing she would come to ask what was going on within the next thirty seconds.  
Right after Ian sat down on his bed Fiona entered the room without knocking. He sighed as she stood in front of him, crossed arms looking at her little brother waiting for an explanation. Something he wouldn’t or couldn’t give to her. As he didn’t say anything Fiona sat down next to him leaning her head against his shoulder. “We don’t have to talk about it. Just come downstairs and eat with us” she said. Ian didn’t respond and they just sat there on his bed he had slept in since he was a little kid and which suddenly felt like home. He recently had been struggling with calling a place home. This bed and this room were just filled with memories. Good and bad ones and all of them made this place his home. “What are you making for dinner?” Ian asked all over sudden. He himself was surprised he asked such a typical small talk question but he noticed that he was really hungry actually.  
“SHIT!” Fiona cursed, jumped off the bed and ran down into the kitchen. Ian followed her slowly and when he got downstairs he saw Fiona quickly moving the pans on the stove.  
“You’re cooking shit?” he said with a weak smile on his face leaning onto the counter to get a glance at the food. Fiona chuckled. “No, I just forgot that I have goddamn food on the stove” she answered and then smiled at him. “But at least I got you down here.” Ian still didn’t really feel like eating with the whole Gallagher squad but neither did he want to disappoint Fiona and he was actually quite hungry so he just nodded and went to grab the dishes. When he was done putting everything on the table he went to the living room that was completely stuffed with people. Lip was sitting on the couch little Gemma in his arms who was sleeping. Next to him sat Kev holding the other twin and leaning against him there was V almost asleep. On the other side of her, right on the edge of the couch Svetlana laid, her head in V’s lap. Carl got the armchair all for himself so Debbie and Liam were sitting on the floor all wrapped up in blankets to keep warm. Only shitty daddy Frank was missing which Ian and of course everybody else as well was glad about. Only Frank? No, something else was missing. Someone else. Ian shook his head trying not to think about that person. Instead he slumped down next to Liam and looked at the TV. “Aye, shithead!” Lip said. “Fuck off” Ian spat and he knew Lip smirked. Now everyone else had to say how great it was to see him but finally he could focus on the movie they were watching. Inglorious basterds. He had watched it like three times already so he covered Liam’s eyes every time it would get to bloody and tried not to think of the first time he had watched the movie. Or better: with whom.   
About fifteen minutes later Fiona called for dinner so Carl paused the movie before heading straight to the table knowing he would have to be fast to get a spot there. After ages of moving chairs all over the kitchen, a broken glass, Gemma crying and Debbie and Carl fighting over a spaghetti they finally were all seated. Well, Gemma and Amy were sleeping in the little travel bed upstairs next to Debbie’s daughter Franny but everyone else actually found some place to eat. Carl, Debbie, Fiona, Kev, Ian, Liam and Lip got a chair at the table and only Svetlana and V had to take a stool to sit at the counter.  
It was loud. Too loud for Ian. They were just screaming at each other trying to be heard. It wasn’t any different than it had used to be but Ian just couldn’t stand it. He finished his pasta as fast as he could and stood up, put his plate into the dishwasher and walked upstairs. This time no one followed him. They knew when they should really leave him alone. He could still hear them. The Gallagher house was never quiet. Ian laid down on his bed, crawled under his blanket and tried to not think of anything. Not anyone. Of course it didn’t work. He was just turning from one side to the other wanting to get some sleep when his phone buzzed. He grabbed it from the table next to the bed and unlocked the screen. It was Caleb. Ian shut the call off and put the phone back. His phone went off again a couple times until he finally slipped into a uneasy sleep.


	2. Daddy says hi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten minutes later her name was called by a bored looking woman in the security uniform of the prison and Mandy got frisked after showing her ID. Then they let her inside the visitors room and she sat down at her usual stool. There were still people entering the room but finally the inmates could come to the other side of the glass to talk to their more or less loved ones.

“Hey, Ian!” someone said bopping into his side. “You gotta take your meds.” Ian opened his eyes and saw Lip staring down at him, holding a glass of water in one and his pills in the other hand. Shit. He took the pills and then emptied the glass without saying anything. This stuff tasted like shit and still made him feel dizzy and off sometimes but he knew that he had to take them otherwise he would just end up causing a mess that maybe couldn’t be fixed. He didn’t want that. One was enough.  
Lip was looking at Ian as he wanted to ask him something but wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. “What!?” Ian asked for him instead. “I was just wondering if I should call the EMT station and tell them you stay home tomorrow?” Lip said slowly, clearly afraid of Ian’s reaction. But he nodded and put his blanket over his head. He just wanted to disappear.

 

Mandy got there right before one of the prison guards closed the gate behind the visitors who entered the administrative building. She followed the current of people heading down the grey hallways until they got to the waiting area. It was silent here, almost seemed like everybody was too scared of being in a prison – although it was just for a very limited time – to talk any other way than quietly. She sat down in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs waiting until she could see her brother. Ten minutes later her name was called by a bored looking woman in the security uniform of the prison and Mandy got frisked after showing her ID. Then they let her inside the visitors room and she sat down at her usual stool. There were still people entering the room but finally the inmates could come to the other side of the glass to talk to their more or less loved ones.  
She saw him before he could see her and her eyes widened in shock. Mickey had several bruises in his face one of them covering almost half of his cheek. His orange overall was tottering around his limbs as he had lost a lot of weight. Now he spotted her so Mandy quickly tried to put on a normal face. As her brother sat down she took the handset off the wall and hold it against her ear. Mickey did the same. “Hey” she said putting on a smile which she knew was weak but she couldn’t help it. She was just so shocked that he looked that terrible. “Hey.”  
“Let me guess, I should see the other one?” Mandy says wanting to lighten up the tension. Mickey laughed sardonically. “Daddy says hi.” Mandy froze. She felt goosebumps spreading all over her skin as she realized what he just said. She looked at her brother. At his hand clenching the handset so the letters on his knuckles really stood out: FUCK. Besides the tattoos which Mandy knew, there now were cuts on Mickey’s skin, starting on his hands reaching all the way up to his elbows before disappearing under the fabric of his overall. Shit.  
“So how are you?” he asked and so interrupted her thoughts. “Uhm…” she said, wanting to be honest with him. “I don’t know actually. It’s not like that I love my job but it’s okay I guess. Decent payments.”  
Mickey just nodded and Mandy looked right into his eyes. They both had blue eyes and his were a little bit lighter. But the shine had faded and left his eyes all caliginous and dark. She felt like she wasn’t able to breathe properly but forced herself to calm down. Freaking out wouldn’t help at all so she thought she just had to try to cheer him up. At least a tiny bit. “Just in case you were wondering, Iggy is back at home” she said and Mickey responded: “Is he alright?”. Mandy nodded, well aware of all the unspoken issues running around in her head. “What about Yev?” Mickey asked and this time Mandy smiled her real smile. “He’s doing great. The twins and him get along really well although he sometimes can be a pain in the ass.” “Just a real Milkovich” and Mandy was relieved seeing a smirk on his face. “Yeah. I babysat him yesterday when Kev, V and Lana went to…” She stopped.  
Mickey’s smirk disappeared.  
“You didn’t look after Gemma and Amy?” he said after a short moment of silence. “No. They both start crying for no reason every two hours and only Kev can calm them down but they thought two babies are less annoying than three so they dropped Yev off.” Mickey’s eyes just lightened up a little bit as she talked about his son and she knew how much he missed him. “Well… how about you? Can I get you anything like… I don’t know…” she said. She just wanted to do everything possible to make him feel a little better. She just didn’t know how. Mickey looked at her, staying silent and then he shook his head. Mandy’s heart sunk.  
The nasty sound of the alarm announced that they had only three minutes left, but she didn’t know what to say. She was still too shocked about his appearance and hated the fact that she couldn’t do anything to help him. “Okay thanks for coming, though” Mickey mumbled but Mandy knew he meant it. She wanted to hug him so bad but the cold glass was in the way so she just tried her best to smile at him. “Of course. I’ll be here next week.”  
And then she had to leave. Leave her brother behind in prison. Leave him to the cruel hands of their dad and while she went outside she couldn’t think of anything else but the idea that maybe this was the last time she saw him. Alive.


	3. Can we talk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he was done with his shift on Monday he went to his locker and changed just wanting to get home as fast as possible since the day had been really exhausting. Right after he said “bye” to his colleagues, the front door opened and a man entered the room. Caleb. Ian froze.

Ian stayed in bed all day feeling like shit. His phone buzzed like a hundred times until he switched it off. He didn’t want to talk to Caleb. Untangle all the issues they had and try to fix them, because there was no way they could be fixed. Deep in his mind he had always known that something like this was going to happen since he started this relationship. He had tried to fill the huge hole in his heart but there was only one thing that could do that. Only one person. And he would probably never see this person again.  
Two days later he forced himself to get up and go to work because he hoped it would distract him. It didn’t work as good as he wanted it to help but at least he didn’t think of it 24/7.  
When he was done with his shift on Monday he went to his locker and changed just wanting to get home as fast as possible since the day had been really exhausting. Right after he said “bye” to his colleagues, the front door opened and a man entered the room. Caleb. Ian froze.  
“Can we talk?” Caleb asked and before Ian could say anything his boss lead his colleagues away leaving both of them alone. Caleb didn’t wait for his answer and started talking. “Ian I just want to know why” he said looking at him with a piercing look in his eyes. Ian shrugged. “I guess a relationship in which you cheat on one another doesn’t really work.”  
“You also cheated on me.” Caleb took a step towards Ian but he stopped as Ian took one backwards.  
“Look, Ian. I’m sorry! I made a mistake but so did you.” Ian laughed bitterly. “I ‘cheated’ on you because I saw you kissing that chick in the mall. Wanted to know if I could switch genders as easily as you.” Caleb looked at him sadly. “Ian, I know this is not an excuse but we… you were kind of… off. We didn’t do anything. Just went to work, ate and slept. You didn’t talk, we didn’t have sex we barely even kissed. I… I wanted to give you space because you know… and then there was Denise hitting on me and I guess I just went with it because I was horny and drunk and stupid.”  
Ian remained silent for a little while until he said: “When you cheated on me I thought maybe if you can do it I can do it. So I tried heterosexuality.”   
“You liked it?”  
“No. Did you?”  
“I was horny and desperate. I would have taken anyone.”  
“That isn’t an answer to my question.”  
“Ian I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore but I want you to know that I want to be with you. Can you give me a second chance?” Caleb’s eyes were focusing him entreatingly. Ian shrugged. “Actually it’s not about the cheating. That just made me realize how bad I really want to get out of this. I’m done. I thought I made that clear by not answering your calls.”  
“So if it’s not about the cheating in the first place, why is it then. Because of your…”  
“NO! Not everything is about me being sick!” Ian shouted angrily. “Why don’t you get that. I’m more than bipolar but you act like everything I do is caused by my disease. It’s not. I’m just being me and I know that I can be really shitty person and I do a lot of things because of my abnormal brain but not all my choices are made by this disorder. They’re made by me having the disorder. I’m tired of you saying it’s ok just because you think it’s the disease that made me do something.”  
Caleb looked at him obviously not knowing what to say. They kept staring at each other for about ten seconds until Ian said: “We just don’t work. Good bye Caleb.” And then he left.  
It was freezing cold outside and he noticed that he forgot his hat in his locker but he couldn’t go back in so he put on his hood and went home.  
As soon as he got into the Gallagher house he laid down on the couch and covered himself under a blanket trying to get warm. “Hey, what’re you watching?” he asked Carl who sat in his usual spot, the armchair with a giant bowl of chips on his lap. “I don’t know just got here right before you and switched the TV on. Why, do you have any special requests?” Now, that Fiona had a decent job again she gave the Gallaghers a special gift for Christmas, called Netflix which was pretty awesome actually.  
“How about some comedy?” Ian suggested. He felt light after he dumped Caleb, like something heavy was taken away from his mind. Now there was only his heart which felt like it had been attacked by a knife that was still in there. But he tried to ignore this feeling like he had been doing it for the past year.  
They ended up watching a stupid movie and Carl laughed his ass off while Ian at least smiled a little there and then. It was almost over when their big sister came home. Fiona rushed into the house loaded with bags with groceries. “Hey! Can you please get that shit into the kitchen?” she asked and Carl paused the movie. Both brothers took some of the bags and carried them to the counter. “Holy shit, Fiona how much did you buy” Carl said looking through the items she had bought.  
“Oh, I thought it was a good idea to refill all our supplies. Think ahead of worse times” she answered and Ian rolled his eyes. “You’re doing great at the diner and that’s not going to end.” Fiona looked at him seeming to be kind of surprised. “Since when we’re so optimistic?” Ian shrugged. “Since we have three bags of salt and vinegar chips” he laughed as he put them into the cupboard.  
Carl had gone back on the couch but Ian didn’t join him. Instead he helped Fiona putting everything away and then started making dinner. He cooked his famous mac’n cheese for just the three of them because Liam and Debbie both had a sleepover, tomorrow it was a day off from school, and Lip was on campus. While he was eating, Ian’s mood changed. He knew this was going to happen. The thing with Caleb cheered him up but only for a very limited time and he felt like crap again unable to ignore the knife in his heart. A knife he had placed there himself. He was aware that it was partly because of his meds he just took, which easily messed with his feelings but they weren’t the actual reason why he felt that way. Felt like he couldn’t breath.  
“I’m done. Can I go?”  
Fiona nodded. Didn’t ask. Knew he just wanted to be alone and letting him.  
He laid down on his bed listening to the voices of his siblings downstairs before he dozed off.


	4. I need a lawyer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit he gotta pee. Feeling dizzy Ian got up and went to the bathroom. When he was done he headed straight back to his room but heard a voice that he hadn’t heard in a while. It was Mandy’s.

Shit he gotta pee. Feeling dizzy Ian got up and went to the bathroom. When he was done he headed straight back to his room but heard a voice that he hadn’t heard in a while. It was Mandy’s.  
First he was surprised because she hadn’t told him she was back on South Side, but then he realized he had switched off his phone. He was about to go downstairs to say hi to his best friend when he heard Fiona saying: “Lip’s at college and Ian’s sleeping so…” and Mandy interrupted her by saying: “I came to see you. I need a lawyer. A good one.” Ian stopped halfway down the stairs. Two steps more and they would see him. He waited. “Why?” Fiona had the same question as Ian.  
“It’s Mickey.” His heart skipped a beat and he tried to breath as quietly as possible. Why would Mandy need to get a lawyer for Mickey? Why now? But mainly just one sentence was digging in his mind: Maybe he’s getting out.  
“What about him?” Fiona wanted to know and Ian pulled himself together with all strength he had so he wouldn’t just run into the kitchen, shake Mandy and scream at her to tell him what the hell was up with Mickey.  
“Terry” she said. It was one word. One simple name. He couldn’t breath. His legs gave in and he sank onto the stairs. No. This couldn’t be true. “He got transferred” Mandy continued “And I don’t know how I can get Mickey out of there, I just know I need to otherwise…” She stopped, obviously trying not to start crying.  
He glanced around the corner and saw Fiona hugging Mandy. She didn’t say anything and Ian knew it was because there was nothing she could say. They stood there for a little while, Fiona’s arms wrapped around Mandy who was now sobbing. Ian just sat on the cold step still trying to breath properly. Why? Why did this happen? Wasn’t prison enough? Wasn’t not being able to talk to Mickey, not being able to even see him enough?  
“I can get you the number of the lawyer I had when I became legal guardian of my siblings but I don’t really know if he’s good. I just had him this time.” Mandy snuffled. “But you got the guardian ship, right?” Fiona nodded. “And he’s not that expensive…”   
“Well I got an okay job now so that shouldn’t be a problem” Mandy said “Who would have guessed that I would ever say something like that.” Fiona smiled weakly and so did Mandy. “Thank you though.”  
“Of course” Fiona answered and Mandy turned around to leave. “Wait!” Fiona said. She hesitated as Mandy looked back at her. “Just… please don’t tell Ian. I don’t want to upset him… He’s having a hard time although I don’t really know why and…” “Okay” Mandy simply agreed and left.  
At the thought of being alone Fiona sighed heavily and buried her face in her hands. Ian just wanted to be hugged by her, he needed someone to tell him it was gonna be okay but it wasn’t gonna be okay. It wasn’t going to be okay. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t feel. He didn’t know how much time passed until he saw Fiona right in front of him. She kneeled down on the lower step and wiped the tears off his face. He hadn’t noticed them and when he did he still couldn’t stop them. She said nothing. She just hugged him, hold him tight so he wouldn’t fall apart, break into pieces. Raspy sobs came out of his throat agitating his body. It seemed like they were sitting on the cold steps forever but finally Fiona pulled him up. “You heard what Mandy said?” she asked although it was obvious that he did. Ian nodded and a few seconds later added: “I dumped Caleb.” She looked at him surprised. “You wanna talk about it?” Ian shook his head. She closed her eyes releasing a long sigh. “Let’s go to bed” she said, leading him upstairs and into her room. He laid down and she covered him in her blanket before she went to brush her teeth. Five minutes later she crawled next to him under the blanket. He closed his eyes. The darkness of the room was threatening but Fiona was here, taking care of him. His big sister hold him and eventually he fell asleep, his eyes still wet.


	5. 10 grand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you want?”  
> “Talk.”  
> “About what?”  
> “Money.”

Mandy rang the doorbell again. She had already done it three times and nothing had happened but she knew somebody was home because she could hear the TV even here outside.  
“What the hell?!” A woman yelled as she opened the door staring angrily at Mandy. The woman had blond hair that reached to her chin and wore a grey sweater that had definitely seen better times. That must be Sammi. “Hi. I’m Mandy… Mandy Milkovich.” Sammi narrowed her eyes as she heard Mandy’s last name and it seemed like she was about to close the door but then she said: “What do you want?”  
“Talk.”  
“About what?”  
“Money.”  
As soon as Sammi heard the word money she suddenly looked really interested.  
“Can I come in?”  
Sammi hesitated but finally opened the door a little wider and let Mandy inside. The house wasn’t big from the outside but even smaller on the inside. Every inch of the room was covered with stuff, one huge mess. She looked to the left and saw a boy, that had to be Chuckie, sitting on the sofa watching TV. The volume was probably on highest level, Mandy’s ears hurt because it was so loud.  
“Chuck!” Sammi shouted “CHUCK! Turn the volume down now! TURN IT DOWN!” No reaction. She went to the couch, took the remote out of her son’s hand and switched the TV off. “Go to your room now. You can watch something else later.” Chuckie just looked at her with empty eyes and then left through a door behind the sofa.  
“So why exactly are you here?” Sammi asked Mandy and threw a look at her that probably was supposed to be threatening but which was so ridiculous that she almost started laughing. But then she remembered why she went here and became serious again.  
“Well, it’s about my brother. As you know he is in prison because of you.” She couldn’t help it. Before she came here she had planned what she was going to say in order to be as nice as possible but now that she saw the person that brought her brother into this mess she just felt so much anger, she even had to force herself to not punch her in the face or worse.  
“Yeah, and as you know I had every reason to put him there” Sammi simply answered.  
“Are you serious?” Mandy asked scoffing.  
“He tried to kill me! So yes, I’m serious!” Sammi shouted but stared at her nervously. She knew that making a Milkovich mad could end really badly.   
“He didn’t intend to kill you and you fucking know that. He wanted to teach you a lesson! But I’m sure he wouldn’t have been sad if you had died!” Mandy shouted back knowing that this whole thing didn’t quite went the way she had planned, but the words were out before she thought about them.   
So she went on. “You had no right to do what you did. They had absolutely nothing to do with Chuckie being in juvie so you gotta fix this.” Sammi started laughing. “How? But more importantly: Why would I do that?”  
“Because I will pay you.”  
“Oh right, you came here to talk about money.”  
Sammi put on a sad face. “Well, unfortunately you wouldn’t be able to afford the amount I would need to reconsider my testimony.”  
Mandy was trying really hard not to pick up the ugly vase on the table next to her and throw it at Sammi as she said: “How much?”  
“Ten thousand dollars.”  
Mandy swallowed hardly. She had suspected that it would be about this much but really hearing it created a tight feeling in her chest. Of course she wasn’t able to afford this much money but she would do everything to try, so she nodded.  
Sammi laughed again. “You don’t have ten thousand dollars” she said “so just leave and tell your brother Sammi says hi.”  
“Five grand before and five after the hearing.”  
“Where will you get the money from?”  
“What do you care?”  
Sammi looked at her lurking as she was trying to figure out if Mandy was being serious and there really was an opportunity to get ten grand so easily. Mandy waited for her answer, nervously tapping on the table.  
“Fine” Sammi said “You won’t have it anyway.” Mandy stared at her trying her best to look strong and confident. “I’ll pay you five thousand, you go to the police and say that you wanna change your testimony. You say you were upset because your son went to juvie so you wanted to take some pills to calm down. You threw some in a glass with soda but before you took them Liam broke a glass upstairs and you went there to clean it up. Mickey came into the kitchen and saw both the glass and the pills and asked you if they were yours and why you would want to take them and you answered because of Chuckie. He thought you hadn’t put any in the glass yet so he put in some more. You drank it and passed out and when you woke up you thought Mickey had tried to poison you. So you told the police but you couldn’t stop thinking about it and started to believe Mickey as he said he didn’t know there was already something in the glass, so now you want to make things right and that’s why you’re here.”  
Sammi looked at her skeptically. “You really think that’s gonna work?” Mandy shrugged. “I don’t know but I have no better idea.”

Five days later, it was almost 1am, Kev was cleaning the counter and V putting the glasses on the shelves as Mandy walked in. Kev looked at her with surprise. “Haven’t seen you in a long time. How are you doing?”  
“Have been better” she answered and sat down on one of the stools burying her head in her arms. She was tired. Tired and cold and worried. “Well then we have to cheer you up” V said smiling at her and poured some Jack Daniel’s in a shot glass and handed it over to Mandy. “This one is on the house.” Mandy looked at it and then smiled at them but her eyes looked like she was about to cry. Kev looked at his girlfriend helplessly and V sighed. “What the hell is going on, Honey? Lip again?” Mandy snorted as she shook her had. “It’s just… Jack Daniel’s is Mickey’s drink.”  
“You miss him?” V asked and now Mandy nodded her eyes filling with tears.   
“Terry’s back” she said after a short moment of silence.   
“What!?” Kev shouted “Last time I saw him he was destroying my bar and beating the shit out of your brother. How can he be out after this with the record he has!?”  
“Did he hurt you?” V asked her, her eyes darkened in worry.  
“He isn’t out of prison” Mandy said “He was transferred to Mickey’s section.”   
Silence.  
Mandy could see that the other two wanted to say something that would make her feel better but couldn’t because they didn’t know how to make it better.  
“He’s gonna kill him” finally Kev said slowly. V looked at him clearly angry at him for being so insensitive but Mandy just answered: “I know. That’s why I have been running around asking for money. I made a deal with Sammi. Ten thousand dollars and she will revise her testimony. But I haven’t got enough yet and I don’t know how much time I have left before Terry finally loses it.”  
“How much have you got though?” Kev asked her.  
“I have saved about 2000 over the past few years. Then Iggy gave me 1500 and I could convince Jamie and Joey to give me 500 each but I told both of them I need it for my car. They wouldn’t give anything for Mickey. Iggy is the only one other than me who gives a shit about him. Iggy also sold most of the weapons in our house so I got 3000 dollars from that.”  
“So you still need 2500” V said and Mandy nodded, starring at the shot glass still standing on the counter before she drank it. The stuff burnt like hell as it went down her throat and she got a warm feeling in her stomach. She didn’t notice Kev and V looking at each other and then nodding in agreement. Mandy closed her eyes trying to stop the tears from coming out of them but opened them when Kev said: “Well, actually we do give a shit about your brother. We used to be business partners and he’s the father of our step son. How about we give you the rest. I get some pretty good cash from my little weed yard downstairs.” Mandy’s eyes widened in surprise. “What?”  
The couple looked at her obviously waiting for a yes. “No. You don’t have to do that. You got a big family by yourself…” Mandy mumbled quickly. “Bullshit” Kev interrupted her “I mean yeah, we do have a big family but we still wanna help. Apparently you and Mickey are a part of our family too like the Gallaghers. And I mean Lana would want that as well since she and Mickey used to be married and he’s the father of her son.” Mandy didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to take money from them because she knew that it wasn’t easy for Kev, V and Svetlana having to feed three children but on the other hand they were kind of right. Mickey was actually part of their family because of Yevgeny and she really needed the money.  
“Yevgeny deserves to know his father” Kev said his eyes focusing on Mandy. “I mean he has me now as well but Mickey’s his dad and we all know his dad is a good guy.” “Yeah” Mandy whispered “We all know that except himself.” They were silent again but finally Mandy said: “Okay, I will take your goddamn money but I will lend it. And you have to ask Svetlana first.”


	6. Good news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yevgeny looked at her with his blue eyes. They looked exactly like his dad’s. All of him did. Sometimes when she saw him Mandy felt like she was looking at the photo of Mickey and her when he was about two and she was one year old. It was the only picture of that time she had.

There she was again, one week after her last visit, freezing her ass off in the cold wind of Chicago while waiting to get in. She looked down to the ground where the maxicosi was standing. Yevgeny was already almost too big for this thing. Mandy smiled when she realized that her little nephew was nearly one and a half year old. One year since Mickey had seen his son, the only time Svetlana went to visit him. Her smile faded and she sighed. Yevgeny looked at her with his blue eyes. They looked exactly like his dad’s. All of him did. Sometimes when she saw him Mandy felt like she was looking at the photo of Mickey and her when he was about two and she was one year old. It was the only picture of that time she had.  
The gate of the prison opened and she picked Yevgeny up and carried him through the building to the waiting area. It was another fifteen minutes until she got to the control procedure which took longer than the times before because her little companion got looked over as well.  
“Relationship to the inmate?” the officer asked at the end. “Sister.”  
“And him?” he pointed at Yevgeny.  
“Son.”  
The officer nodded towards his colleague and he opened the door to the visiting booth. Yevgeny who had been babbling since she picked him up from Svetlana was completely still now, marveling around with big eyes. Mandy asked herself if he subliminally remembered that he had been here already but doubted it. He probably just sensed the special atmosphere in here.  
She sat down in her usual spot and put Yevgeny next to her on the floor.  
The door on the other side of the glass opened and men in orange overalls came through and sat down on the stools. Then she saw her brother. He was limping. Slowly walked towards her, streaking his right leg. Her throat felt so tight she had trouble to breath. He didn’t look at her as he got down on the stool and took the handset. She took hers and and hold it against her ear. “Hey” she said.  
No answer. Still no look at her. She forced herself to stay calm and acting casually. “I got good news.” He looked up. Looked at her only through one eye because the other one was black and so swollen that he couldn’t open it. His whole face was black and blue with bright red shining at some spots where Terry’s fists had gotten through the skin. The bruises didn’t limit on his face. She could see them on his neck too and knew that there were many more all over his body hidden under his clothes. The cuts on his hands and arms had become more and Mandy couldn’t even imagine what what kind of cruel tool had been used to create them. She forced herself to look him straight in the eye trying to keep her face from completely falling. The eye he could see trough was filled with sadness, anger, fear and pain. So much pain. “Yeah?” he asked, clearly not believing her. His voice was raspy and quiet as if he had barely used it during the last week. “Uh-um” Mandy answered when suddenly Yevgeny chuckled. She had almost forgotten him. She laid down the handset and got down to him untangling the straps of the maxicosi. She took the handset again and then pulled Yevgeny up on her lap. “You have another visitor.”  
Mickey’s eyes widened as he saw his son. Yevgeny didn’t seem to care about the state of his dad’s face because he looked at him curiously and then smiled brightly. Mandy’s heart nearly melted when she saw the look on her brothers face and wished the glass wasn’t there so he could hold his son.  
Instead Mandy put the handset near Yevgeny’s ear. She could see Mickey’s lips moving as he spoke to him and Mandy looked at Yevgeny who answered in his weird baby language. She lowered her head so her mouth was next his ear and whispered: “Do you know that is? It’s your daddy.”  
“Daddy” he said still smiling at Mickey who got a weak smile on his face as he heard his son. Yevgeny started babbling again and pointed to the glass, obviously trying to tell Mandy something. She got the hint and moved him forward so he could reach the glass. He put his small hand against it and chuckled when Mickey put his big hand against the other side of it. Mickey’s eyes filled with tears and he quickly reached up with his other hand to wipe them away.  
Mandy held the handset back at her ear again. “Thank you” Mickey mumbled and there was so much feeling in his voice that Mandy nearly started crying too. “You’re welcome.”  
“That was some pretty good news actually” he said, still looking at his son who was now playing with Mandy’s hair. “Well I have some more” She answered nervously “Just don’t know if it’s gonna work.”  
“What?”  
“You got a hearing in two days.”  
“Why?”  
“Sammi is reconsidering her testimony. We have a deal. I give her money and she says it was an accident. You didn’t do it on purpose, she only thought you did. Since she wasn’t on loyalty oath last time she can revise it.”  
Mickey looked like he couldn’t believe what he heard. “You serious?”  
“No, I’m kidding. Of course I’m serious shithead.” She smiled.  
“How much?”  
“Ten grand.”  
“Mandy… you don’t…”  
“Stop. I got it covered ok? Don’t worry about it. Just hope Sammi doesn’t fuck it up. As you know she’s pretty good at fucking things up.”  
“Yeah, no shit.”  
There was the alarm again that told them their time was up.  
“See you on Tuesday then” Mandy said.  
“Yeah.”  
“Come on say bye bye to daddy” Mandy said to Yevgeny as she held the handset to his ear.   
“Ba ba” he said waving towards Mickey.  
Then they had to go. And Mandy just hoped her brother would still be there on Tuesday.


	7. Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sammi actually hadn’t fucked it up. She had given her the money and before they separated – hopefully forever – Mandy had reminded her not to go for more money to keep her mouth shut since she had been on loyalty oath this time.

Sammi actually hadn’t fucked it up. She had given her the money and before they separated – hopefully forever – Mandy had reminded her not to go for more money to keep her mouth shut since she had been on loyalty oath this time.   
The door opened and he stepped outside. Still limping. Still looking like shit. But alive. And free. Mandy ran towards her brother and wrapped her arms around him. They just stood there for a few minutes, Mandy holding him so tight as she would never want to let go of him. But finally she did and looked at her brother. She hadn’t thought that it was even possible but Mickey had more cuts than two days ago and he clearly was in pain. But the look in his eyes was intense and a little lighter. “Thank you” he said “I can never make this up to you and I…”  
“Shut the fuck up” Mandy snapped “You don’t have to. I got you back and that’s more than enough.”  
“Hey, can I say hello to my piece of shit ex-husband” a woman said from behind in her strong Russian accent. Mandy stepped aside and Svetlana rushed towards Mickey pining him down into a long hug. Then it was Iggy’s turn who gave Yevgeny to Mandy before hugging his little brother as well. He was the closest sibling to Mickey after her and although Mandy knew that they both weren’t really much of huggers she could tell this was an important moment for them.  
Finally they went to Iggy’s car, Mickey holding Yevgeny in his arms and talking to him quietly. They got into the car and drove to Mandy’s apartment out of South Side. She had decided to let Mickey stay at hers for a while so she could look after him because she wasn’t sure about his current condition. During the drive Svetlana was talking non stop of her life with three kids and two partners which was annoying and oddly calming at the same time. The others remained silent until Iggy stopped because they had reached Mandy’s apartment. Mickey gave Yevgeny back to Svetlana who promised that she would visit them as soon as possible. Then they said bye and Mandy and Mickey were alone in the cold white winter when the car left. “Come on let’s get inside” Mandy said grabbing her brothers arm, leading him towards the front door of the building. He didn’t push her away. Didn’t grunt that he could walk alone. Just let her do it and Mandy’s worries got bigger. Neither of them said anything as they got inside and walked up the stairs. They were slow because Mickey had trouble walking and also seemed to have some pain in his side as he held it while he was going upstairs.  
When they got to Mandy’s floor she quickly fished her keys out of her purse and unlocked the door of her home. This apartment was something she was actually proud of. It was small and not in the best neighborhood but it was very cozy and – other than the Milkovich house – clean. It was a place that really felt like a home for Mandy although she would always like their house on the South Side no matter how shitty it was and how much terrible things had happen there.  
“Yeah, so this is the living room and the kitchen” she said as they walked inside and Mickey took a quick glance around. “Wow” he said and Mandy answered: “You don’t have to pretend you’re interested in this shit.” She smiled as he flipped her off. There he was, the old Mickey. She gave him a tour through the apartment, showed him her bedroom, the bathroom and the room Mickey was going to sleep in. When they were done and back in the living room she asked him: “You wanna eat something?” He shook his head. “Okay how about a movie?”  
“I think I’m just gonna shower and go to bed.” “Okay” Mandy replied “I got some of your clothes before we picked you up. I will just put in your room okay?” “Uh-um.”

As the days went by they got some kind of routine. They would get up around 9 and make breakfast and both shower. Then Mandy went out to go shopping or for a run or something like that and Mickey stayed at home. It took Mandy three days until she got him to go for a walk with her and another three to take him to do grocery shopping. In the evenings they ate dinner before Mandy got ready for work. When she was gone Mickey listened to music, watched TV or just went to bed. Mandy knew he hated being alone although he would never admit it. Every couple days Svetlana showed up with Yevgeny and these were the only times when Mickey’s eyes lightened up and a weak smile appeared on his face.  
About one week after he got out of prison, Mandy was in the kitchen laying the couch table and waiting for the Thai food they had ordered. The doorbell rang. “Mickey!” she yelled “Dinner’s ready.  
She went for the door and opened it expecting to see the delivery man but instead she looked into some green well known eyes. She froze. “Ian. What are you doing here!?”


	8. Being sick sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey” he answered “Just stopped by. Wanted to say hello.” Need to find out about Mickey, he added in his mind. “Oh, ok. Actually it’s not the best time right now” Mandy said “But you’re right we haven’t seen each other for too long. I’ll call you okay?” Ian was about to reply when he noticed something moving behind Mandy.

“Hey” he answered “Just stopped by. Wanted to say hello.” Need to find out about Mickey, he added in his mind. “Oh, ok. Actually it’s not the best time right now” Mandy said “But you’re right we haven’t seen each other for too long. I’ll call you okay?” Ian was about to reply when he noticed something moving behind Mandy.  
Someone. He stepped on his toes to glance over his best friend’s head and saw him. Even though he only saw him from behind and he was wearing a black sweater and had put its hood over his head, he knew exactly who it was. So it was true. She really had managed to get him out of prison.   
He didn’t turn around. Just went trough a door and disappeared into the shallows of Mandy’s apartment. “Mickey’s back?” he asked. Mandy hesitated, then nodded.   
“I heard you talking to Fiona in the kitchen.”   
“Okay.”  
“You really weren’t gonna tell me?”  
“No. You’re my best friend but he’s my brother and I think you should stay away from him.” She didn’t look at him as she said these words and Ian’s heart sunk.  
“See, Mandy I just want to talk to him” he tried again but she shook her had. “Just go. I’ll call you.”  
And then she closed the door. Ian went back outside into the darkness of the night. It was winter and freezing cold but he didn’t feel it. He felt numb. He needed to see him. Needed to talk to him. Needed to feel him. But he didn’t even look at him.  
Ian went home, too impatient to wait for the bus. He came through the back door, slammed it hard, not caring about the noise and the people who were asleep already. Lip stood behind the counter in the kitchen and looked at him inquiring. Ian passed him without saying anything and sat down on the couch not bothering to take off his jacket. Lip slowly came into the living room and slumped next to him. “You wanna talk about it?”  
“Not really though.”  
So they were just sitting there saying nothing until Ian decided he needed to talk to somebody and that his big brother was the one he could fully open up to.  
“Being sick sucks.”  
“Yeah, no shit.”  
Silence.  
“Mickey’s out.”  
“Oh really?”  
“You knew.”  
“No.”  
“Liar.”  
Silence.  
“Ok. I knew. Fiona told me but she also told me I should wait until you were ready to talk to me.”  
“Since when do you do what Fiona says?”  
“It doesn’t happen often but at this point I agreed with her.”  
Silence.  
“I went to Mandy’s to check if it’s true. If he’s really out. I mean I just heard that Mandy was planning to get him out but I didn’t know if it worked so I went there.”  
“And you saw him.”  
“Yeah.”  
Silence.  
“You talked to him?”  
“No. Mandy didn’t let me in.”  
“Sounds like Mandy.”  
“I mean eventually she has to let me speak with him right?”  
Lip shrugged.  
Ian looked at the clock above the arch that separated the kitchen from the living room. “Shit.”  
“What?”  
“My meds.” Ian jumped off the sofa and went into the kitchen. He grabbed a glass, filled it with water and took the three orange containers off the shelf that was too high for Liam to reach.  
He swallowed one pill of each container before he went back to the living room. He sat down next to Lip again who looked at him like he was fighting with himself before he said: “Ian, you know what I would usually say in a situation like this because we’ve had this conversation kind of often.” He paused waiting for a reaction from his brother but got none so he continued “I think this time you should try. Talk to him.”  
Ian nodded.  
“Oh and something else.”  
“What?”  
“Caleb was a douchebag.”


	9. You remember?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey” he said with an insecure voice “Can I come in?”  
> Mickey didn’t reply just stepped aside and let him in before he closed the door. Ian walked in the middle of the room, trying to control his breath. Then he turned around and faced Mickey again. He had an undefinable expression on his face and looked at Ian waiting for him to say something.

Ian was nervous when walked home from work the next day. He was glad that nobody was downstairs who could see him coming home and try to talk to him about his day. Or what he was planning to do with the rest of it. He heard Debbie upstairs talking to Franny. Fiona was probably working at the diner, Liam sleeping, Lip at college and Carl god knows where. Relieved he went upstairs, undressed and got into the shower. When he was done he went to his room, entering it as quietly as possible to not wake Liam up. As he had suspected, Carl’s bed was empty.  
Going through his clothes he finally went for a plaid button down and dark jeans. He got dressed and stepped out of the room as Debbie came out of hers. “Hey” she said, examining him “Where are you going? Caleb?” Ian looked at her surprised. “Fiona didn’t tell you?”  
“Didn’t tell me what?”  
“Caleb’s over.”  
“Really?” Now his sister was the one surprised “Sorry to hear that.”  
“Don’t be” Ian murmured.  
“So where are you going then?”  
“Just out with some guys from work” Ian lied because he knew she wouldn’t let him go if she knew where he was really going.   
“Okay have fun then” Debbie said.  
“Thanks. Is Fiona at Patsy’s?”  
She nodded. They went downstairs, Ian took his meds and then grabbed his jacket. The thick one this time. “Bye Debs” he said as he went outside and she closed the door behind him.  
It was almost 10pm when he got to the apartment building, so he was sure Mandy was working. He headed towards the door and was about to ring when he saw it was open. He entered the house and made his way upstairs. The whole complex was old and and a little shabby but Ian knew that Mandy liked her new place. He reached the floor which contained her apartment and rang the doorbell.  
As he had suspected no one opened. Ian rang the bell again. And again. And again. And again.  
He stood there for half an hour, ringing and waiting until he heard a noise behind the door. And then it opened. Mickey looked at him. Stared at him. And Ian stared back. He was wearing the black sweater again. But Ian barely noticed that because he was just staring at Mickey’s face. Ian had known that Terry had beat his son. Ian had known he would see injuries. But he wasn’t prepared for what he actually saw. Mickey’s right eye was black and blue and swollen so he could barely see through it. The rest of his face was covered in bruises and cuts slowly healing. The worst was the look in his eyes. The light blue was gone. They were dark now, filled with a mix of feelings, standing out pain. Ian’s heart sunk.  
“Hey” he said with an insecure voice “Can I come in?”  
Mickey didn’t reply just stepped aside and let him in before he closed the door. Ian walked in the middle of the room, trying to control his breath. Then he turned around and faced Mickey again. He had an undefinable expression on his face and looked at Ian waiting for him to say something.  
“I just want to tell you…” he said, his voice sounding weak as he spoke loaded with emotions he was trying to hide “that I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. And I know this is not enough but I can’t do anything else but say sorry.”  
“You could go fuck yourself.” Mickey still had the same expression.  
They just looked at each other without saying anything until Mickey pointed towards the door. Ian slowly walked outside as Mickey held it open but right before he could shut it, he turned around.  
“Wait!” he said and in Mickey’s eyes appeared something that could be hope.   
“You wouldn’t have let me in if I couldn’t say anything right.”  
Silence. Ian went back into the apartment.  
“Look, I was upset. Crazy and stupid and angry because I have a fucking disease that turned my life into shit the moment it was becoming great. I fucked up, Mickey okay?! I fucked up! And I regret it I fucking regret it every single day but I was confused and I didn’t know what to do about my disease and…” “Your fucked up brain doesn’t excuse everything!” Mickey interrupted him roughly. “Yes, you’re sick and yes this illness turns you in a piece of shit and yes you can’t fix it and yes it may lead you to bad decisions but that doesn’t mean you can’t think. You meant what you said and what you did and that is okay. So just please get the fuck out of my life.”  
Ian didn’t move. He looked Mickey right in the eyes.   
“You remember the day you came to the store, ready to beat the shit out of me for messing with Mandy? You remember when I came to your house to get the gun back? The first time you got shot? You going to juvie? You coming back and going to juvie again? The second time you got shot? You remember the russian whore who we know as Svetlana now? You remember marrying that whore? You telling me not to join the army? The night you asked me if I come back? The baptism of your child? You remember me laying in bed all day? You remember me getting better? And then losing my shit again as your wife called it? You remember my little trip with your son? You remember me going to the psych ward and you and Fiona visiting me? You remember the day we went to the baseball field? You remember Sammi and the army? The day you all visited me in military prison? My trip with Monica? The day I came back? You remember that day I visited you in prison?” As he spoke, Ian slowly walked towards Mickey who was standing still, just staring at him.  
“That’s us” he said when he stood right in front of him. “This is us and I don’t want this to be over.”  
He leaned down, cupped the back of Mickey’s neck with his hand, closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Mickey’s.   
The kiss was hard. Desperate. Ian stopped, waiting for Mickey to push him away. Nothing happened. They just stayed in this position holding their heads together their mouths half an inch apart. And then Ian moved forward again. Slowly this time. Soft. His lips touched Mickey’s and finally, after two incredibly long seconds, he gave in. Mickey kissed him back all carefully as if he was still not sure about this and suddenly he felt something warm falling on his cheeks.  
He pulled away and looked into Mickey’s eyes that were filled with tears. Ian wrapped his arms around him, holding him as he cried. He had never seen Mickey cry before. It was terrible. This guy in his arms had been a rude and badass piece of shit. This guy had been starting to open up to him, caring about him, taking care of him. But he had never been crying in front of him and Ian had absolutely no idea what to do. So he just hold him, waiting. He noticed how thin Mickey was. The sweater and his jeans didn’t show it but Mickey was skinny and weak. The muscles gone. This wasn’t the Mickey he had left in prison. This was Mickey broken. And it broke Ian’s heart.  
He didn’t know how long they remained there but as Mickey’s tears became less, Ian grabbed his arm and lead him to his room. He switched on the small lamp next to Mickey’s bed and pulled him closer as he kissed him again. Then he took the lower end of Mickey’s sweater and lifted it to get it off of him. Mick winced as Ian touched his side so he went more carefully and slowly pulled it over his head. Then he unzipped Mickey’s jeans and helped him getting them off. Mickey sniveled when Ian pulled it from his right leg and Ian swallowed hard when he saw why. On the lower part of Mickey’s leg there was a deep cut as long as Ian’s under arm. It was healing but Ian could see that it still hurt like a bitch. He needed to do something to make it better. “I’ll put a bandage on this one” he said, turning around to go to the bathroom but Mickey hold him back. “Don’t. Just leave it.”  
Ian nodded and started freeing him from the shirt Mickey was still wearing. This was the most painful act for both of them. Mickey wincing and trying not to whine although he was clearly in pain and Ian almost not able to watch him suffer. Finally Ian threw the shirt behind him and Ian suddenly saw Mickey’s side. The skin varied in all colors from black over purple to yellow. There also were three big deep cuts one below the other. Ian looked at Mickey. Mickey looked away.  
And Ian swore one day he would go to Terry and make him pay for the things he had done. To Mandy and to Mickey. The marks he saw on Mickey’s body clearly were marks of torture. He had more injuries all over his body, small cuts, blisters and bruises. He could see Mickey’s ribs through his pale skin. Mickey shivered. Ian pulled the blanket off the bed and let Mickey lay down before he put it over him. Then he got undressed as well until he was just in his boxers and crawled under the blanket. He wrapped his limps around Mickey. Mickey’s skin was cold so Ian hold him, warming him, protecting him. He listened to Mickey’s breath whose back leaned against his abs and Ian’s arms around his chest. Mickey’s breathing calmed down as he fell asleep and finally Ian also drifted off.   
For the first time in over a year, he slept in peace. And didn’t feel like shit when he woke up.


End file.
